im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
