Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
