Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
