I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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