cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
