i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
