Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
two words...techno handjob
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
