u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Randomize
