Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
