He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
