I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
