Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Ketchup is God's man juice
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
