Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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