I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
