if only i could text you this smell
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
