Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
