too bad you live with your parents still
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
