dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
