Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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