Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
