nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
