I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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