Reggie can tackle my bush.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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