Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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