I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
That reminds me...we need to get swords
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
