Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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