I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
