just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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