just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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