I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
