why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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