At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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