Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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