im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I cannot find my penis.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
