im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
