I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
