We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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