You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
