Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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