sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
