Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
