So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
