Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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