I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
