I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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