Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
