my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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