We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
