in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
