I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
